Despondency
by CBTD-OTH-Fan
Summary: de·spond·en·cy · noun · a state of low spirits caused by loss of hope or courage.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

"Come on, come on…" Nora Baker desperately muttered, willing the elevator to move faster. She breathed deeply as the doors opened, as she practically ran to the doctor waiting at the nurses' station. "Dr Harrison!"

"Nora, I'm sorry." The older man said, shaking his bowed head. The young woman looked almost confused, but she knew exactly what he had meant.

"What? No! NO!" Nora's breathing became rapid as she sprinted away, up a corridor that she did not recognise. She ran past doctors, nurses and patients through several doorways and stopped in the middle of another long corridor. The blonde leaned back against a sterile white wall, sliding down it and drawing her knees as close to her chest as possible. It was a long time before she lifted her head out of her hands and wiped her tears away, blinking as Dr Harrison approached her and sat on the linoleum floor two feet away from her. They sat in silence for a while, as many people passed, wondering why a fifty year old greying doctor was sombrely sat on a hospital floor with a distraught looking young woman.

Nora had known Dr Harrison for little over two years. He was the father of Emily, one of her closest friends, and had treated her brothers, Jake and Mike, and her sister, Sarah, for injuries many times since they moved to Evanston almost a year ago. Her parents knew Dr Harrison-or Jack, as he requested to be known to them- fairly well, beginning their meetings when Mike had tried to bungee jump out of the window less than a month after they had moved into their house. Jack insisted that the Bakers were his 'best customers', noting that he had never seen three accident prone children as often as he saw Sarah, Jake and Mike.

"It's alright, Nora." The man said simply, knowing that it was going to be a long road, and wishing it did not have to happen, hoping that it was a dream of his, or perhaps a nightmare.

"What am I going to say? What am I going to tell them?" Nora cried, laying her head back against the wall. "I can't do this!"

"You're going to tell them the truth. That it's going to be okay, and that you're going to get through it together."

"What if I can't? How am I supposed to handle this?!"

"With the kind of courage and compassion that your parents instilled in you. That's the kind of person they need right now. You are capable of handling this situation, terrible and agonising it is. It's okay to be sad and it's okay to feel like you can't handle it. But it's not okay to let this change who you are. I know you, Nora, I have every faith that you can get through this." Dr Harrison put his hand on Nora's shoulder, taking a deep breath. "I don't know why things like this happen. They happen every day. But what I do know is that people in your situation come out stronger. This should not have happened, but it's going to be okay. Trust me."

Nora said nothing, but nodded.

"Thank you, Dr Harrison." She said, standing up and walking back down the corridor, where she knew the world was still going. There were several things that Nora knew she must take care of, and she knew that the feelings inside of her, and the fractured pieces of her soul must wait, as she desperately tried to make it okay for those around her, before she could pick up the fragments of her heart and comprehend what had just happened for herself.

_It's going to be okay,_ Nora thought, trying to convince herself in vain. The woman closed her eyes, letting the darkness overtake the awful sights of the hospital around her as she lay her forehead against the wall. She finally acknowledged the warm tears that had again started to run down her cheeks, and forced herself to stop crying. _Be strong for them, Nora, they need you. Just breath._

**Reviews very welcome and questions always answered :) xxx**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

_**Flashback**_

It was a Thursday. It was the evening of the Baker parents' anniversary and Nora was babysitting her younger siblings. They had promised not to be back late.

After putting her younger brothers and sisters to bed, Nora lay on the sofa with her feet up, watching TV. After a while, she found her eyes staring at the numerous pictures of her family across the walls, bringing back clear memories of her loud and messy childhood. Nora had loved being an older sister, and still did. Being five when Charlie was born, there were very few of her memories where she was an only child, and still considered the family vacations to Lake Winnetka to be her fondest moments. It had been a long time since she had lived with her family, since before they moved to Chicago, but she still considered the big white house in Evanston, although it was not where she had spent her childhood, home. It was familiar, and almost nothing could take away from that.

Later on, Nora heard footsteps heading up the stairs.

"Lorraine! Come in here!" Nora called out. She heard a loud and dramatic sigh which could only belong to her sister, who stomped back down the stairs and into the living room.

"What?!" The teenager said, standing with her arms crossed in the doorway.

"Attitude much? You're late."

"By like fifteen minutes!" Lorraine said, simply not seeing the problem.

"It's another fifteen minutes you could have been at home, like you were supposed to be."

"Whatever. You're not going to tell Mom and Dad are you?"

"Lorraine, I was your age once, I know what it's like to be a teenager and want to push your boundaries, but you need to respect the rules."

"What did Mom tell you to say?!" Lorraine snapped, dropping her bag on the floor.

"What? Nothing! What are you-" Nora said, looking confused.

"Nothing! Nora, it's fifteen minutes, let it go and let Mom and Dad enjoy their anniversary without stupid punishments! I promise I won't do it again. There, now let's get over it."

Nora sighed and rubbed her temples.

"Okay. Just go upstairs and get ready for bed." The twenty three year old heard her younger sister once again, stomping away towards her room. Lorraine's recent attitude was beginning to grate on Nora. Over the past month, any conservation with the girl ended in an argument of some sort. Some members of the family were questioning whether or not it was better to simply avoid the self-proclaimed fashion guru. Either way, something had changed, and her little sister was no longer sweet and friendly.

It was not long before Charlie came back from visiting his girlfriend, Beth in Midland.

"Shouldn't Mom and Dad should be back by now?" He asked as he dropped his bag on the floor and sat on the sofa across from Nora.

"Yeah, but it's okay, I'm just glad they're getting some time to themselves. Having twelve kids doesn't exactly give them much 'grown up conversation time'." Nora smiled. Her parents had been married for twenty four years to the day, and had been parents for twenty three, there was very little Tom and Kate Baker did not know about managing large groups. Celebrating their own achievements, such as anniversaries and birthdays just seemed to get lost along the way.

"Good night?" The eighteen year old asked.

"Pretty average. You?" Nora said. Charlie shrugged, looking away from his sister, who was worried- she knew that something was wrong.

"What happened?"

"I broke up with Beth today."

"What?! Why?"

"There was nothing between us anymore. We barely see each other, and when we do, we don't have anything to talk about. It was just… over. We were just avoiding the subject and drawing it out. Better to just get it over with…"

"Charlie, I'm sorry." Nora sat on the sofa next to her brother and wrapped an arm around him.

"I'm okay. Seriously. I just need some time to think." Charlie said, before standing up and walking to the door.

"I'm here if you need me." His sister said, to which he nodded.

Charlie heard a knock on his door and called for whoever it was to come in, shoving the pictures of himself and his now ex-girlfriend that he had taken off of the walls under his pillow.

"It's getting late, I'm really worried about Mom and Dad." Nora told him, putting her head around his bedroom door.

"Nora, they'll be fine. They're grown up enough to make their way back home. They'll just be having fun and lost track of time. Don't worry so much." To this, Nora nodded and retreated back downstairs. But despite her acceptance that her parents deserved the time, she could not shake the feeling that something was not right.

It was around 12.30pm when Nora drifted to sleep. It was barely half an hour later when the phone rang and woke the oldest Baker child up. She grabbed the phone.

"Who calls at this time of night?" Charlie asked as he came down the stairs.

"It was the hospital. There's been an accident."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

Nora opened the front door of her parents' house, not knowing how an earth she would handle what was about to happen.

As the door swung open, Charlie and Lorraine ran in from the living room and stood in silence in front of their older sister. Nora shook her head and stared at the ground.

"W-what?" Charlie stuttered, looking at his older sister in disbelief.

"No… No. NO!" Lorraine began to scream over and over. Nora wrapped her arms around her sister, pulling her into a hug. Lorraine's cries and screams became louder, and before long, most of the younger Bakers were standing at the bottom of the stairs.

"What's going on?" Asked Henry. The kids looked at their screaming sister and their brother who was stood against the wall, silently staring into space.

"THEY'RE GONE! MOM AND DAD ARE DEAD!" Shouted their sister, her face a mess of tears.

"Nora?" Sarah asked, in a small voice. With tears filling her eyes, Nora nodded. For a minute, apart from Lorraine's cries, there was no sound and no movement. A moment of organised peace before the storm.

Ten year old Mark ran back up the stairs and towards his bedroom at full speed, tears already spilling down his cheeks. Henry dropped onto the bottom step of the stairs with his head in his hands.

Sarah stood, her face confused and eyebrows furrowed. She raised her hand to her face and pinched her lips. She walked forwards, then back to the stairs, only to run to Lorraine. The two wrapped their arms around each other, the older still sobbing and the younger with a face of confusion.

Jake was breathing deeply, but his breaths were becoming more rapid. His face was angry and he began to pace backwards and forwards, not knowing what to do with his hands and angrily wringing them together. This continued for little over a minute before the eleven year old let out a scream of frustration and tore a pile of coats from the hook on the wall. He then cleared a shelf of a number of ornaments, which shattered on the floor. His mother had loved the ornaments that she had inherited from Tom's mother. As the boy stormed over to the wall and raised his fist to punch it, Charlie, who had previously been silent approached his brother and secured his arms against his side. Jake struggled, cursed and kicked his brother, who still did not let go. He continued to thrash against the arms that held him, stomping and screaming infuriatedly. The eldest of the brothers pleaded with him to calm down, which before long he did and dissolved into tears.

Jessica and Kim, who were staring at Jake, looking terrified and bewildered, rushed towards Nora and wrapped their arms around her. The two began to sob into her stomach as she hugged them both. Nora looked to the top of the stairs, where the three youngest Bakers sat, looking at their brothers and sisters and the mess of their emotions. Mike, Nigel and Kyle looked confused as their brothers and sisters cried or were silent. Nora stared at them for a minute, not quite knowing what to do, then decided that she would have to deal with it later.

"Go back to bed." Nora mouthed at the children. Mike tapped the shoulders of his brothers and gestured for them to follow him as he headed back towards the bedrooms.

It was a long time until the crying subsided. The siblings retreated to their rooms in their own time. Nora sat on the stairs for a long time. She had comforted her youngest sisters, Jessica and Kim, and had checked on Mark, who was already asleep. She sat, leaning against the wall and trying to sort through her thoughts, which were a tangled mess of pain and confusion, and considered that from now on, she would be the primary caregiver for ten minors, all of whom were in a great amount of pain. She stared at the door, hoping, praying that her parents would stroll in, laughing, perhaps drunk, and apologising for being late. They did that sometimes.

After what seemed like hours, Nora stood up and headed to Lorraine's room, where she slept when she stayed over. She climbed into the bed next to her sister and closed her eyes, both desperate for sleep and wishing tomorrow would never come.

**Thank you to my one reviewer hahaha :) More reviews would be great *hint hint*. Any questions, please ask :) Please excuse any grammar/spelling mistakes (I'm British) :L xxx**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

Nigel and Kyle were confused. Why the house so quiet? Why was their parents' bed still made? They wandered into some of their siblings' bedrooms, finding that many of them were still asleep. They knew that something was wrong.

"Sarah?" The five year old twins found their sister lying in her bed in silence, staring at the ground.

"Sarah? Where's Mom and Dad?" Asked Kyle, quietly. The girl looked at them, but did not reply, instead rolling over and turning away from them.

"We're going to be late for school!" Insisted Nigel. Sarah said nothing and kept her back turned.

The boys, still dressed in their matching pyjamas, walked out into the hall. There was not a sound, and no sign of movement. Nigel and Kyle headed downstairs into the living room, where they sat and resolved to watch TV.

Nora opened her eyes and sighed. She was exhausted, having been awake for most of the night, simply tossing and turning and trying to forget. Lorraine was still asleep, and the house was silent. Nora expected that not many of her brothers and sisters would want to get up today. Rolling over and forcing herself to get up, she grabbed some clothes and picked up her phone to check the time. It was late.

As Nora headed down the stairs, she heard the sounds of a children's television programme. She walked into the living room to and saw her youngest brothers sat in front of the TV. The redheads turned at the same time. They looked at their sister with confusion on their faces. They did not remember what happened the night before during their brief awakening.

"Nora?"

"Why is everyone still in bed?"

"Where's Mom and Dad?"

"Is school cancelled?"

"What's wrong with Sarah?"

"Why are-"

"Guys, guys, listen. There's something I need to tell you." The boys' sister kneeled in front of them.

"What?" The twins said in unison. Nora took a deep breath. She didn't want to do this. They shouldn't have to deal with this. Too young, she thought, for their parents to die. Only five.

"Mom and Dad… They got hurt. Last night." Her words came out clumsily.

"Did they go to the hospital?" Nigel asked, tilting his head to the side.

"Yes, and the doctors tried to help them, but…they couldn't."

"Are they gonna be okay?" Kyle asked, frowning. Nora slowly shook her head, tears began to fill her eyes.

"Mom and Dad are gone."

"Where did they go? I thought they were at the hospital?"

"Mom and Dad are dead." Nora forced herself to say. There was silence for a few seconds. The two boys looked confused.

"What's dead?" The oldest Baker child took another deep breath. She knew if she didn't, she would burst into tears. They didn't need that.

"Um, dead… means… that a person doesn't wake up. Mom and Dad's car crashed, and they got hurt really bad. And their bodies were so broken… That they stopped working." Nora couldn't help it. Warm tears spilled from her eyes as she tried to blink them away. She raised a hand to her face, trying in vain to hide the tears.

"Why are you crying?" Nigel asked, simply.

"I'm just really sad that they're gone." She replied, giving up on hiding the pain from them.

The two boys looked at each other, frowning, then looked back to Nora. They stood up and hugged their sister. She wrapped an arm around each of them, and the three were silent for a while.

Mark quietly slipped into the kitchen, where he saw Nora cooking. After a long night of crying, he had finally accepted sleep, and had woken up later than usual, without the noise of everyday life. The sounds of his busy family were gone. The sounds that felt like home. He stood for a minute, watching her pour cereal and milk into a bowl. She turned around, about to head out, and was shocked to see him there.

"Are you hungry?" She asked, awkwardly. He nodded, sitting on a stool that was lying around.

Nora grabbed another bowl and filled it with Mark's favourite cereal and some milk. She picked up two spoons and gave Mark his bowl. The two headed to the dining room in silence.

Before long, most of the siblings arrived downstairs. They sat silently around the dining room table, eating cereal for breakfast, despite it being closer to lunch. Charlie had explained to Mike what had happened on his own, before he came downstairs. He understood more than his younger brothers and the eight year old could not control himself from crying into Charlie's shoulder. He joined Nigel and Kyle, who were still watching cartoons. Lorraine and Jake did not come down at all.

As they sat around the table, there was no sound, except from the clinking of their spoons against the bowls. Nobody wanted to break the uncomfortable silence that surrounded them, and most avoided looking at the empty seats at the heads of the table, where their parents usually sat. Mark, Jessica, Kim and Sarah were still in their pyjamas, whilst Charlie was still dressed in his clothes from the day before.

After they had eaten, the children left their bowls in the sink and retreated to their rooms. Even Nigel and Kyle had returned to the security of their room. Nora headed to Jake's room. Having not seen him since the night before, she was worried, so knocked on his door and entered with his reply.

"Hey."

"Hey." Jake replied to his sister. He lay in his bed under the covers. Staring at the ceiling, he sighed as his sister shut the door behind her. "What's up?"

"You didn't come down for breakfast." Nora pulled up a chair from his desk and sat to face him.

"Not hungry." Jake said, keeping his eyes on the ceiling.

"Do you want some eggs?"

"No."

"Soup?"

"No."

"What about-"

"Nora, I'm not hungry!" He shouted, turning to her as she jumped. For a few moments, there was only silence. Jake sighed again and looked down. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay." His sister said, quietly. The two said nothing. A minute later, Nora got up to leave.

"Nora?" Jake asked in a small voice, as Nora opened the door.

"Yeah?" She turned back to him.

"Why did this happen?" It took a moment for Nora to reply.

"I honestly don't know, Jake." She said before leaving and closing the door.

Nora knew that there were many things that she must do. She was the head of the family now, and the mess of their parents' death was up to her to organise. She knew that she had to contact her aunts and uncles, the hospital, a funeral home amongst others. But today was their day, to accept, to grieve and to try and make sense of what was going on in their heads.

**I'm so sorry this took so long, I had some VERY important exams, which I'm just about to finish, so I'll have more time to write :D Thank you to the people who reviewed. It makes me so happy to read reviews :) Hope you like this chapter, it may seem kind of awkward, and not much happens, but I kind of wanted it like that because I think it really shows the difficulty of the situation. It's a bit longer due to a suggestion by a reviewer. (P.S. I'm having a bit of trouble with page breaks, so if anyone could help, I would be very grateful.) xxx**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

It was two days before the funeral. Family were about to arrive, the house was still a mess and Nora had yet to start the eulogy. _They wouldn't have it any other way_, she thought, putting dirty laundry into the basket. It had been four days since the Baker parents had died, and to say that the family were struggling, was an understatement.

Nora had made all the necessary phone calls, had informed the kids' schools that they would be absent, spoken to the coroner and had heard her grandfather sobbing on the other side of the phone, something she had never wanted to do. The conversations between the siblings were now painful and disjointed. No one wanted to admit that something was broken. The house was a mess, as was fairly typical, but Nora had always been the one to keep the house in order; it was all ship shape under her instruction. But now, she felt weak, and did not dare push the boundaries with her brothers and sisters, who were just as delicate as her. Neighbours had been leaving meals with notes outside their front door, along with some groceries. There had been numerous phone calls from friends, family and some from people she had never heard of. The pity was getting slightly old.

The eldest Baker walked into the living room, picking up the toys and clothes that were strewn around. Jessica was sat on the sofa, next to Kim, who was curled up in a ball with a bucket next to her. Nora sighed, and put the laundry basket down as she kneeled in front of the girl.

"Feeling sick again?" She asked. Kim nodded hopelessly. Nora raised a hand to check her temperature as there was a knock at the door. "Jess, get the door."

Jessica jumped up and hurried to the door.

"You don't feel warm, are you hungry?" Nora asked. Kim shook her head. Her oldest sister sighed, and stroked her hair. Kim stared sadly into her sister's eyes.

"Nora." Tom's younger sister Debbie walked into the room and enveloped her in a warm hug. Her six children and her husband came in behind her. It was silent for a minute, although silence had become a common occurrence over the past four days.

"Where is everyone?" asked thirteen year old Grace, recognising the quiet and looking around.

"Hiding." said Nora, walking towards her cousins, half joking and half knowing that it was the truth. She felt two arms wrap around her stomach.

"Hey, SJ." Nora said, before kissing the nine year old's head. He smiled up at her.

"How was your flight?" She asked no-one in particular.

"It was good. How are you?" answered nineteen year old Josh, hugging her. She shrugged.

"I'm okay. So where are you staying?" Nora quickly changed the subject.

"In a hotel." Debbie answered.

"You could stay here?"

"No, we can't. You guys need your space." Debbie's husband, Rick, said, wrapping an arm around Jessica.

"I think it would actually do us good to have some company." Nora answered, shrugging.

"Well, okay, if you want us to stay, we will. But let us know if you change your mind." Her aunt said. Nora smiled and nodded.

"Guys! Come down!" She shouted up the stairs. There was some movement, before only Lorraine, Nigel and Kyle came down the stairs.

Lorraine said nothing, simply hugging her cousin Olivia, who was a year younger than her, and forcing a pained smile at the rest of her family.

The twins ran towards Rick, Debbie's husband, shouting at the top of their voices, and he swung them both over his shoulders, chuckling.

"Hey guys." He said. The two laughed as he turned them upright again and held them in his arms. It had been four days since anyone had felt like playing with the boys, which was a lifetime in their minds. They were excited to see their uncle, aunt and cousins, hoping that now, their brothers and sisters would stop being so sad and wondering when life would feel normal again.

Debbie looked around at the state of the house, but said nothing.

"I know, I haven't had much of a chance..." Nora muttered, hesitantly.

"No, don't worry about it. You've had 11 kids to deal with, let us deal with this. You're going to take a break."

"No, I... the dishes...lunch... Kim-"

"Nora, we can take care of this. Go. You need time for yourself." said Debbie, who sat down between Jessica and Kim and wrapped an arm around each of them.

"We're going shopping." Maggie, who was twenty two, said.

"But... Fine." sighed Nora, knowing that she would never win in an argument against Maggie. She needed a break, and knew that her aunt was perfectly capable of handling her brothers and sisters.

"I'm driving." declared Maggie, climbing into the driver's side. Nora shrugged as she climbed into the passenger's seat. The two put on their seatbelts and Maggie started the car, before pausing.

"You don't know where you're going, do you?"

"Not a clue." They both smiled and Nora shook her head as the two traded places.

Nora and Maggie strolled through the mall.

"Yeah, I didn't think I'd enjoy it so much, but I really do. So, what are you doing these days?"

"I'm kind of between jobs... The ad agency let me go about a month ago, and there isn't really much going in this area. It's not even like I'll need it now. I have eleven kids to take care of."

"Is that what you want to do?" asked Maggie, trying not to push her for an answer.

"I don't have much of a choice, Maggie. They need me right now." Nora replied.

"How are you going to live? I mean, money, how are you going to survive without a wage?"

"I spoke to my parents' lawyers, we have more than enough. But I'm not going to live off our inheritance; I'm going to start working as soon as life's back to normal."

"Nora, I hate to say this, but it isn't going to just go back to normal." Sighed Maggie.

"You know what I mean, when we adjust. However long that might take."

"It's going to be okay, Nora. We're all here if you need us."

Nora nodded.

"Now, where are we going for dinner?" Maggie asked, cheerily.

"What? We need to go home." Nora was surprised. She needed to be back to make dinner for the kids. The little boys needed baths. The kids needed her.

"Uh, no. My mom asked me to keep you out for as long as I could."

"So all of this is just because your Mom asked you to?" Nora said, accusingly.

"Of course not. I wanted to spend time with my cousin, and my Mom said that we should give you a break, so when she found out that I was planning this, she just asked me to keep you out and let you relax. That's all. We're not conspiring against you, Nora."

"I'm sorry, I wasn't... I just..."

"It's fine. Really. So, where are we going to eat? My dad gave me his credit card." said Maggie with an evil smile.

Nora smiled. She loved Maggie and how easily she seemed to move on. They had always been close, and their arguments had never lasted long when they were children. She was the kind of cousin she needed at a time like this. Strong, supportive and able to laugh with. It wouldn't be long until the rest of her family arrived.

"Do you remember the time when Charlie knocked the ladder to the tree house down?"

"And we were stuck up there for three hours before anyone noticed?"

"Us and our Barbies. Back when we used to dream about growing up and we said we'd live together in our matching pink palaces?" laughed Maggie, wiping her mouth with a napkin.

"Riding our unicorns and having our own rooms? Yeah. That was a long time ago. Growing up wasn't half as fun as I expected it to be." Nora answered.

"It never is. Back then, the most we had to worry about was what kind of ice cream we were having for dessert."

"Yeah." The older of the two said, sadly, before pausing. "We should get back."

"Okay. I can't wait to tell my Dad that he gave us his credit card and we go to a pizza parlour."

"Some things never do change."

"We're back!" Maggie called as she opened the front door. The two walked into the living room and set their bags down.

"Hey, girls, did you have a good time?" asked Rick, walking in carrying a basket of laundry, before starting to fold it. Maggie nodded.

"We did actually." Nora answered her uncle.

"I'm glad." said Debbie, turning off the hairdryer that she was using to dry Kim's hair. Kim hugged her elder sister, before heading to sit on the sofa with Mark, SJ and Jessica, all drinking hot chocolate and with wet hair. "Mike, Nigel and Kyle are all in bed, and everyone's had dinner and showered. There's macaroni in the kitchen if you're still hungry and we went shopping, so there's plenty of food."

Nora looked around. The house was immaculate. Had it ever been so clean?

"You're amazing. Thank you for doing this."

"It's no problem. We're family, Nora, that's what we do." said her aunt, starting to dry Jessica's red hair.

Nora sat down, feeling less stressed than she had in the last four days. She was glad her aunt and uncle had arrived a day early to help. She hadn't realised how much she had needed to get out of the house until she finally did. Most of her family would be arriving the next day, her dad's siblings with their families and her mom's dad. Nora had still yet to write the eulogy, hoping that a miracle would occur and that it would be written for her, better still, read for her too. She knew it was going to be a strange few days with the house being so full of family, but she could not help wishing that she could just get it over with, so she could get back to healing with her family. It was going to be a long haul, but life was starting to change already.

**Hey, can someone help me with page breaks? I'm really stuck :/ I hope if anyone reads this chapter, they like it (and they review *hint hint*). Also, is longer better? Next chapter, the whole Baker family side of the family arrives :S xxx**


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